Friday, August 31, 2007

Do You Need A Cab?

If you need to go anywhere in Arizona from the Phoenix Metro area, then call me, Matt "The Cab Guy" Kelly at (602) 488-9508. You may also send me a text message, or contact me thru my email,

I have over ten years, and 750,000 miles of accident-free experience with the largest and most reputable cab company in Arizona, fully licensed and insured for your protection.

Standard taximeter rates are: $2.50, plus $1.80 per mile, with a traffic delay/wait time of $24.00 per hour.

I am also available for hire by the hour, with unlimited mileage within the Phoenix Metro area for as low as $35.00 per hour, with a four hour minimum (subject to availability).

My minimum fare charge is $15.00.


Blog Dedication

This blog is dedicated to anyone who has ever seen the TV show "Taxi" or these movies: "Collateral", "Taxi Driver","Chicago Cab Company", and "D.C. Cab."

However, if you saw the movie "Taxi", starring Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, and actually liked it, you can go to Hell! If you bought the DVD, you probably already are in Hell. This is not a slam against QL or JF, both of whom I like, and mostly respect. It's just that this particular movie was an absolute insult to cabbies, and for that matter, cops, everywhere.


Legal Disclaimer

What you see here on "Road Rage and Taxi Tales" is either opinion, fiction or fact. It doesn't matter which, it's all protected by the First Admendment. Unless it's libelous. Which is pretty hard to prove, so don't even bother trying.

So... if you are offended by anything you see here, who cares? You're an adult, probably, and the way I see it, you came here under your own steam, and can leave the same way. Just hit the "BACK" button on your browser. There it is, up there in the corner.

But if you just can't get over the experience, are revulsed by the degradation and despair you may feel simply from reading a story or two, and simply must sue me for money damages by way of compensation, please be aware that my lawyer is Johnny Wraith.

Johnny is also a writer. As a matter of fact, I think that he's an excellent writer. But as a lawyer he's of absolutely no use to me, whatsoever. This is probably because he's piss-drunk at least half of the time, and at least half-drunk all of the time. Which enhances his writing ability, but degrades his lawerly talents.

You can see my dilemma. But what can I do? He's my best friend, and he doesn't charge me all that much. Just the odd bottle of Chardonnay every once in a while.

So, I'm begging you please, please don't sue me. Losing won't hurt me much, as I don't have much money to begin with, and wouldn't really miss losing what I've got. But Johnny has a pretty fragile ego. Losing a lawsuit would certainly embarrass him, and might destroy what little self-esteem he has left, what with the alcoholism and all. So again, please don't sue me; if not for my sake, then for Johnny's.

By the way, keep this in mind: if you're married, but don't want to be so anymore, then Johnny's the man to help you out. He's an expert in handling divorces, such expertise having been gained by filing countless Petitions for Dissolution Of Marriage. About one-third of which were his own. So throw him a bone. He needs the money to finance the rehab he so desperate needs!


Post Your Own Stories

Your Cab Guy loves to hear other people's taxi stories, and re-tell them for the delight of as many people as he can. But, in order to do this, I need you to send me your story!

This is not hard to do; simply e-mail it to me at:

The rules for inclusion of your story into the Cab Files are pretty simple:

  1. It is preferred that all names used in your story, except for your own, or a known public figure, be aliases, especially if other people in your story are depicted in a negative fashion. If you use the name of a public figure in your story, remember that libel laws, though relatively generous in this regard, still apply. If I think your use of the name of a public figure is problematic, I will ask you to change it to provide some cover. Thus, something like "Michael Jordan" might become "A well-known basketball player."
  2. Keep it fairly clean. This is not to say that "swear words" or "adult topics" are forbidden. If a particular word is truly necessary to the story, then go ahead and use it. As to adult themes, just make sure that they are not pornographic. We're all adults here (mostly, I guess) and common sense should prevail. Refer to the "Site Rules" if you need additional clarification.
  3. It's best if you write your story in the first person. I find that, in general, the first-person viewpoint is more engaging, and entertaining, for the reader. If you're not sure of what a "first-person" story is, keep in mind that these sorts of stories generally start out something like this: "There was this one time that I got into a cab in Phoenix..." The "I" indicates a story is being told in the first-person.
  4. Your story can be as long as it needs to be, but should be not be so long that the reader will become bored before the punchline. Use your own judgement. Keep in my that my stories are not always good exemplars of brevity: I'm subject to tremendous bouts of verbal diarrhea.
  5. If you want to repeat a story that appeared elswhere, please include an appropriate citation (such as the name of a magazine, book, newspaper, etc.; the author's name; and the date of publication). Stories found elsewhere on the Internet should be summarized, with a link to the site upon which it appeared.
  6. You grant Road Rage and Taxi Tales, and its owner(s) the right to display it on this site, and to use it, or excerts from it, to advertise or promote this site.

I look forward to reading, and sharing, your stories. Have fun!


The Cab Guy


Suggested Reading List

I think that every person who wants to realistically be considered intelligent should also be well read. Here are some suggestions from my own personal list of favorites.

This list is by no means intended to be comprehensive or exhaustive. Just the hightlights, if you will, of my library. I will be adding to it from time to time, as the mood strikes me.

The Bible, by God
The Instructions, by various authors
The Declaration of Independence, by Thomas Jefferson
The Constitution, by A Bunch of Smart Guys
Miranda Rights, as read by Arresting Officer
Your Terms and Conditions of Release, by Bail Bondsman
The Plea Agreement, by Prosecuting Attorney
Your Sentence, by Your Honor
Eat The Rich, by P.J.O'Rourke
Modern Manners, by P.J. O'Rourke
Parliament of Whores, by P.J. O'Rourke
Confessions of A Cineplex Heckler, by Joe Queenan
The Caine Mutiny, by Herman Wouk
Gulliver's Travels, by Jonathan Swift
Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Schindler's List, by Thomas Keneally


The Rules of Engagement

I want you to have fun here, but please follow these simple rules, which apply to comments as well as prospective postings you may send to me.

Profanity, if used, should be artistic, and not gratuitous. You know the f***ing difference, damn it!

If you disagree with someone, do not attack them personally, but feel free to argue with what they said. The wise counter the message, while fools kill the messenger.

Racial, ethnic, or identity-based slurs will not be tolerated. An example of this would be to call someone "a dumb cracker." However, if someone's name is "Dumb Cracker", go for it. People like that deserve what they get.

Inappropriate comments will be removed! Whenever a comment is removed, it is my intention to leave notice of its removal. Comments will generally only be removed due to violations of "The Rules of Engagement." Such comments may be restored upon appeal, explaining why you thought there was no violation, or you agree that there was a violation, but that no harm was intended, and an apology directed at anyone who may have been harmed (unfairly insulted, etc.) is attached. Just send me an e-mail at:

(Please also this use e-mail to send me your postings.)

If you like what you see here, tell all your friends. They may as well waste their time here as anywhere else.

Thank you,

The Cab Guy