The Gas Can and the Traffic Cop

Hello again, my good friends. I’m glad that you could come along on this week’s journey. Since we last conversed, not one person has asked me, “Well, is it hot enough for you?” I guess the word got out that I hate this question. But it has been a hot summer so far here in the Metro Phoenix area. Here’s a good survival technique: stay inside as much as possible!

But seriously folks, no matter where you are, drink plenty of fluids, and don’t forget the same for your car’s radiator. As a matter of fact, while we’re talking about it, go ahead and fill up a gallon jug with water, and put it in the trunk of your car, just in case. You never know when you, or the car, are going to need a drink. Nothing beats planning, that’s what I always say. Say, that reminds me of a couple of short little anecdotes.


"The Gas Can"

I think that it’s always a good thing to plan for every contingency, or at least as many as you can think of. However, I know there are people out there who think they are good planners, but in reality, aren’t. I mean, on the surface, it appears they have good planning skills, but when you get right down to it, they really don’t have a clue. Here’s a good example. The other day I was tooling down the freeway when I came upon this car off to the side of the road, with its’ flashers blinking. As I went by, I saw that there was no one in the car. A few seconds later, I came upon a guy walking down the side of the freeway, carrying a little red can. Ah, the mystery is solved! I pulled over, and gave him a ride to the nearest gas station, and didn’t charge him for the effort. He thanked me, and I went on my way, as I had to pick someone up few minutes later.

As I drove away, I got to thinking about this fellow’s lack of ability in the effective planning department. Of course, some of you have figured out what’s going on, and agree with me: the guy was a poor planner. And I know that some of you reading this right now are saying, “Lack of planning? Cab Guy, the dude was obviously a planner! He had a gas can in the car, just in case he ran out of gas! If that’s not planning, tell me what is, smart guy!” Well, to you folks I say, yeah, you’re right, the guy was a planner. But what he planned to do was run out of gas!

That’s right, he planned to run out of gas. Why else would he have a little red gas can in his trunk? I mean, it’s not the same thing as having jumper cables in the car, just in case your battery goes dead. Most of the time that you need your jumper cables, your battery went dead without any warning whatsoever. But when was the last time your gas tank went empty with no warning whatsoever? It just doesn’t happen.

Now, a few years ago, a buddy of mine had a car that gave audible warnings for various conditions his car was in. For example, if he left his lights on after turning off the engine, a little voice would say, “Lights are on!” My friend would then turn his lights off. Anyway, I was thinking, for those people who carry the little red gas can in the trunk, what they really need is this sort of audible warning system, because it’s obvious they either:

a) pay absolutely no attention to the gas gauge; b) don’t believe it anyway, or:
c) pay attention to the gauge, know it is correct, but believe that the truth doesn’t apply to them in this particular situation. (Oh yes, there are indeed people who have just such a warped sense of reality!)

So Detroit, give these people a little help, and put an audible gas warning in cars. Here are my suggestions for the warning statements:

1. “You have less than a quarter of a tank of gas remaining. Might I suggest you fill up soon?”
2. “Your fuel situation is getting critical. You have two gallons of gas remaining. Please stop for gas in the next few minutes.”
3. “Hey, buddy. I’m working off fumes. How about we get some gas? Now!”
4. “Uh, dude, I hope you have got on some comfortable shoes, ‘cause you’ll be walkin’ real soon!”
5. (As the car comes to a juddering halt.) “Okay, I tried to warn you, but no, you wouldn’t listen! You figured you could stretch it just a few more miles. Well, screw you, Einstein! I’m empty! Get out, and start walking! And take that stupid little red can with you, moron!”

You know, I’m not really sure this would cure the problem of people running out of gas, now that I think about it. Considering that most of today’s cars not only have the gas gauge, and a light that comes on when you’re low on gas, but quite a few cars come with “Distance to Empty” displays, and people still manage to run out of gas! It’s nice to know that technology doesn’t change some things. Like stupidity.


"The Traffic Cop"

Speaking of planning, I really think that all of you reading this should have a plan for what to say when a cop stops you. I really do, because, eventually, almost everyone will be pulled over for one reason or another. If you haven’t had the experience, don’t worry, you probably will. Here are a few ideas that I’ve come up with, to help break the ice at that awkward moment that occurs when a police officer taps on your window. If you play things right, you can turn an otherwise unpleasant experience into a worthwhile personal encounter, and have some harmless chuckles. And maybe a visit to the local Greybar Hotel.

Now, call me a psychic, or maybe a cynic, but I predict that the first thing the nice police officer will say will be something like, “May I see your driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance, please?” I suggest you politely say, “Why certainly officer, I have them right here!” And then hand over the requested documents. It is extremely important at this point to be polite and cooperative, but say nothing else until the cop says something to you. This allows some tension to build, and gives more impact to your response to the next question, which is sure to be (all together now), "Do you know why I stopped you?” Here is where you get to have a little harmless fun at the officer’s expense. Pick the response that most closely matches your own personal situation, and have at it!

Cop: “Do you know why I stopped you?”

What to say if you are a/an:

Hot Chick: “Hoping to get lucky?”
Bakery Truck Driver: “Running low on doughnuts?”
Schizophrenic: “Yes I do. No I don’t!”
Musician: “No, but if you hum a few bars, I think I can pick it up.”
Secret Agent: “Yes. But if I tell you, I’ll have to kill you.”
Ignoramus (Politically Correct version of “Retard”): “Uhh… I dunno.”
Apathetic Loser: “I don’t care.”
Off-Duty Police Officer: “Will you quit screwing around, Bob?”
Efficiency Expert: “No, but I have a check-list if that will help speed things along.”
Private Detective: “I haven’t got a clue.”
Clint Eastwood Fan: “Do you feel lucky, punk?”
Elvis Pressley fan: “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog!”
Comedian: “The same reason a dog licks his balls?”
Taxi Driver: “You’re lost, and you need directions to Dunkin’ Donuts?”
Lawyer: “Objection! Calls for speculation on facts not in evidence!”
Buddhist Monk: “You seek the path of true enlightenment?”
Priest: “You want an impromptu confession?”
Dog: “Same reason I lick my nuts?”
Black man: “Racial profiling?”
White man: “Beats me. I’m white!”

The look on the officer’s face should provide you with plenty of laughs, making the hours you spend waiting to make bail go by so much quicker!

Until we meet again...

(A version of this column first appeared in the July 24, 2003 edition of "Fast Lane Magazine," a Phoenix, Arizona biweekly entertainment magazine, under the byline of 'Matt "The Cab Guy" Kelly.')