Brain Farts and Dirty Jokes

Well, hello everyone, so glad you were able to make it to this end of the internet. Here we are in the early part of October. The summer heat finally seems to have abated for another few months. We’ve had a little rain since I last took pen to paper, or should I say, fingers to keyboard. The cab business has been a little slow lately, so I don’t have any actual “Taxi Tales” for this edition. However, I have accumulated quite a few random thoughts that I would like to share with you, as well as a couple of my favorite jokes. So go ahead and sit back and relax while I share my…

Brain Farts and Dirty Jokes

Seems fair to me! - The other day I was reflecting upon the various differences between men and women. For example, some women will put up with sex, so that they can have some cuddling, while many men put up with cuddling, so they can have some sex. If necessary, I’ll tell a woman that I’ll cuddle with her if she’ll have sex with me. Hell, why wouldn’t I make such a promise? I’m just going to fall asleep when we’re done, anyway!

The late night gourmet - Why do so many fast food joints advertise on late night television? If I see a commercial for Wendy’s at midnight, I’m not leaving my house for a burger, regardless of the fact that “Wendy’s rules the night!” If I’m that frickin’ hungry that I just have to have something to eat, I’m going to improvise. Let’s see what’s in my cupboard: ramen noodles, ketchup and allspice. Spaghetti sounds good to me!

Some funny names – I used to work in a government office, and to alleviate to occasional boredom, I would create phony phone messages for my co-workers, using those little “While you were out” forms. These are some of my favorite funny names: Dick Gozinya, Ben Dover, Heywood Yablome, Harry Areola, Phil McKraken, and Seymore Butz. Some of you may find these names to be offensive, and may wish to sue me. That’s okay, just send service to my lawyers: Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.

I have my standards! – Some men will make love to any woman, no matter how repulsive she may be. (Of course, the sme thing might be true for women, with respect to men. But I'm a man, so this is from my point of view.) Now, with all due respect to women everywhere, I have to draw the line at “hideous” and “titanic.” I understand that with my high standards, I’m not going to get laid as often as I could. But what the hell, like the sign says at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, “Quality Beats Quantity Every Time!” I have to agree, because I remember every woman I have ever made love to, and the way I look at it, if I’m going to be creating a memory, I want it to be a good one!

Why prostitution should be legal – Now, I know that a lot of people are going to disagree with me, some violently so, but I’m going to declare here and now that I think that prostitution should be legal everywhere in America, not just most parts of Nevada. I know that a lot of folks think prostitution should be illegal, because to them it demeans both the women involved, and their customers. Come on, think about it! Working for minimum wage at the Burger Barn isn’t demeaning? Not all women have the opportunity to go to college and get a really great, high paying job. Swing shift manager at the local eatery may be as far up the ladder as a lot of women can get. That may be fine for some, maybe a lot, of women, but options should be available. Oddly enough, in a lot of places where prostitution is illegal, you can hire a woman to perform sex in exchange for money. As long as you’ve got a camera, lighting, and cheesy music. Remember, it’s a performance!

That time of the month – When a woman won’t have sex with me, because she’s near her period, I figure she has PMS, which means I will have to Pleasure My Self!

Filthy language – I think that some people use way too many curse words, such as “fuck” and “shit” in their everyday speech. What the fuck is up with that shit?

Fast food blues – The other day I went into a local fast food restaurant. You know, it’s bad enough that I have to put up with a cold hamburger and limp fries, but I really hate it when I get surly service. Sometimes I feel like yelling at the counterperson, “Hey asshole, you really think I want to be here, either?”

Sexual frenzy – Do you ever smoke after sex? I don’t. I’m usually done long before friction can develop enough heat for fire to be factor to contend with.

Say what? - The other night I was sitting at the bar at my favorite watering hole, drinking my usual club soda. Two women were seated a couple of stools down. At one point, the juke box was changing songs, and during the lull in the music, I overheard one lady say to the other, “Well, that’s just titty bar economics!” I don’t know about you, but I would purely love to have heard the rest of that conversation.

Come again? – That same night, during another lull in the music, I heard one guy talking to another guy about a woman he’d just met, saying, “I’d like to fill her out like an application!” I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about job opportunities.

What do Popsicles and Politics have in common? – The answer to this riddle is, “Ben and Jerry’s All Natural Ice Cream.” Just in case you haven’t heard, these two aging hippies sell ice cream. And I’ll admit that it’s really good ice cream. But I really don’t need a lecture every time I want to have a cool refreshing snack on a stick. Here’s the best example of wasted ink on the label of an ice cream bar I’ve seen in recent days:

“We oppose Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone. The family farmers who supply our milk and cream pledge not to treat their cows with rGBH. The FDA has said no significant difference has been shown and no test can now distinguish between milk from rGBH treated and untreated cows. Not all of the suppliers of our other ingredients can promise that the milk they use comes from untreated cows.” (This appeared on the side of a ‘Vanilla Peace Pop.)

What in the hell are these two Hippie Capitalists trying to say? It sort of sounds like they oppose rBGH, whatever the hell that is, enough that they feel that have to make a statement against rBGH, and want you the consumer to know that they want to protect you against this scourge.

Okay, fine. Allow me to retort. Hey, Ben and Jerry, listen up! If you think rBGH is something that I should not consume, don’t just tell me that you oppose it. Keep it out of your friggin’ ice cream. If it’s bad shit, I want no part of it! If you think it’s so freakin’ important that I don’t eat rBGH milk, then DEMAND that your suppliers pledge not to use rBGH, and hold them to their pledges! Don’t tell me about how you would like to be virtuous. Show me that you are virtuous. Or shut the hell up. Maybe next time I’ll just get Hagen-Daz!

Okay, I promised you some dirty jokes, and here they are. Mind you, I did not write these jokes, I read them in Drew Carey’s Book, “Dirty Jokes and Beer - Stories of the Unrefined,” which, by the way, is a very funny book. Drew says that he didn’t make these jokes up, so I guess it’s all right to repeat them here. The titles are mine.

What a Pair! – A woman is at a bar, drinking and depressed. A man walks in and sits next to her. He, too, is drinking and depressed. After a time, the man asks the woman, What are you so depressed about?” She says, “My husband left me because he thought I was too kinky.” He says, “Really? My wife left me because she thought that I was too kinky!"

They order another drink, and she says to him, “Hey, listen we’re both adults here, and it looks like we may have a little something in common… whaddya say we go back to my place and see what happens? ”He says, “Sounds like a great idea!” And they finish their drinks and leave.

When they get to her place, she says to him, “Wait right here, I’m going to change into something a little more comfortable.” She goes to her bedroom and puts on some black leather boots with six-inch heels, a leather miniskirt, a rubber bra with the nipples cut out, a dog collar and a leather hood. She then grabs a riding crop and some handcuffs and saunters seductively out to the living room where she sees the guy putting on his coat and hat and heading out the door.

“Where ya going?” she asks. “I thought we were going to get kinky!”

“Hey,” he says, “I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse… I’m outta here!”


Oops! - There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,

“Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again.

“Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.

“Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”

He can’t take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, takes all of his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says,

Go to Caesar’s Palace.”

He goes to Caesar’s Palace. The voice says,

“Make your way to the roulette table.

He goes to the roulette table. The voice says,

Put all your money on red 23.”

He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

The voice says, “Fuck.”

Okay, well that’s all there is this time around. I hope you enjoyed yourself. I appreciate having this opportunity to relieve a little of the pressure that’s been building up inside my skull.

Until we meet again…

(A version of this work first appeared in the October 16, 2003 edition of "Fast Lane Magazine" a bi-weekly, Phoenix area entertainment magazine, under the byline of "Matt 'The Cab Guy' Kelly").