Take That Horn and Shove It!

Hi there! Thanks for stopping by once again. It does my heart good to see that some people have an interest in what I have to say. Today I wish to relay to you my distress at how I think that car horn use today has gotten completely out of hand.

In the old days, when the earth was green and the air was clean, it seemed like people really understood what the car horn was for, because they only used it in one of the three ways that God had intended: to remind, to warn, and to announce their presence.
Let's say you were second in line at a red light. The light turns green, but the driver ahead of you doesn't go, even though it appears that the intersection is clear, and there is no reason he cannot. A short, friendly, single-toot would be appropriate to remind the driver in front of you that the light had changed to green. To keep it friendly, you, as the driver behind, would have had an obligation to wait at least two seconds, since the light became green; otherwise, you'd have been considered an impatient son-of-a-bitch. This short single-toot would have said, "Possibly you haven't noticed that the light changed, but it is green now, and it's time for all of us to move on. Thank you."

Now suppose you were coming up on a driveway where another driver was backing out, into on-coming traffic. Possibly he sees you, possibly not. To remove any doubt, and provide a friendly warning, a short double-toot of the horn would have served to say, "Hey, I'm here; just wanted to say hello. Thanks for not hitting me." Nobody's feelings were hurt when they heard the double-toot; they were grateful that someone else was watching out for them. Also, the driver who had used his horn would also be ready to apply the brake, or steer out of the way, just in case the warning wasn't heeded.

Now, suppose you had a date for Saturday night. And, suppose you are supposed to pick your date up at eight o'clock sharp. And further suppose that you really didn't want to have to interact with her family, especially her father. In cases such as these, a long double-toot, or a horny rendition of "shave-and-a-hair-cut-two-bits", would have served to let your date know you had arrived, and were waiting for her. It also had the possibly happy side benefit of pissing off her father.

These were the only three socially approved methods of using the car horn. Oh, sure, there were variations on a theme. If, after the single-toot was given, and two more seconds went by, and the guy ahead of you still hadn't moved, then you could go up to the longer double-toot. And the full-on blare after another two seconds. But it was considered bad form, and totally inappropriate, to start with the full-on blare.

But it seems like these days that people's use of the horn has gotten completely out of control. And, it's use in situations that don't really make any sense is proliferating like wildfire.

Here's a few examples of what I'm talking about:

Two days ago, I was sitting first in line, waiting for a green light. Now, remember what green means? No, it does not mean "Go." It means, "Proceed when the intersection is clear, and it is safe to do so." If more people would remember this, we'd have fewer people get hurt and their cars bent because they leapt out into on-coming traffic on the say-so of a green light. So, anyway, back to my situation: the light changed to green, but I could see that there was a cross-traffic car about to enter the intersection. Less than a second after getting the green, but long before it was safe to proceed, the guy in the car behind me started to blare his horn. Not a short, single toot, or a friendly double-toot, but a full on, ugly, "What the f@#$ are you waiting for, you dumb son-of-a-bitch?," blare. HOOOOONNNNNK! I ignored him, keeping my foot firmly on the brake-pedal. Naturally, he did not apologize when he saw the offending cross-traffic car run the red light. When the coast was clear, I waved at the guy behind me, and went on my merry way. He didn't wave back.

Yesterday afternoon, I was moving at about five miles per hour below the speed limit, northbound on Scottsdale Road, about to turn into a parking lot that was about a hundred yards up on my right. I put my turn signal light on about fifty-yards before my turn, and started to apply the brake as appropriate. Just as I started to turn, this jerk behind me started laying into his horn, blaring it for a least three seconds. What the Hell did he intend to say in this instance? "Get out of my way?" I was trying to do just that! Did he think that maybe I was moving too slow?

Sorry, but that's what I do when I'm about to make a turn: I slow down. His use of his horn certainly wasn't supposed to serve as a warning, or at least not as a useful warning, that he was back there. It's not my responsibility to worry about traffic that's behind me, but ahead of me. That's why God put our eyes in the front of our heads, so that we could see where we're going, not where we've been. If his use of the horn was to let me know he was pissed off, frankly I don't care. If he thought I slowed down to abruptly, he shouldn't have been tailgating. If he thought I was moving to slow, he should have just gone around. The power to change his circumstance was in his hand, not mine. The appropriate place for his horn, in this instance, was up his ass. After all, that's where his head was.

My final example is also the most illogical. I'm sure this has happened to you. You're tooling down the freeway, at a reasonable and prudent rate of speed. You decide that you want to change lanes, so that you can go a faster, but still reasonable and prudent, speed. You look into your mirrors to see if the coast is clear. The closest car behind you in the next lane over is at least seventy-five yards back, and moving at a steady rate, equal to yours. You put your blinker on, and proceed to move into the adjacent lane. You've moved all of half a car width over, when all of a sudden, you hear a car horn blare. Looking in your mirror, you see that the car that was seconds ago seventy-five yards back, is now right on your bumper. The driver is using the horn as if to say, "Hey, you cut me off!"

Listen carefully to me. If you're the deluded who was driving the car behind me, yesterday, westbound on the 202 at about noon-time, then you are one rude, ignorant, horse's ass. Until I decided to move into the lane you were in, but seventy-five yards ahead of you, you were fine with your speed and position in traffic. But, as soon as I put on my blinker, you decided that you just had to go faster, and so decided to accelerate, either to prevent me from moving over, or cow me back into the lane I was first in. I don't care how loud and long you blasted your horn. You're the asshole, and nothing can change that. You couldn't have cared a rat's hairy ass about the space ahead of you, until you saw that I wanted it. Then, like a spoiled little baby who only wants the toy that any other child wants, you raced up to cut me off.

I'm not fooled in the least. Again I say, I don't care how long and loud you honk your horn. I'm not moving back. As a matter of fact, bring it on: rear-end me. I don't care. I've been rear-ended before, by people better than you. As for the horn: all it does is let everyone around you know what a pissy-brat baby you are. Kiss my ass! And while you're down there, do me a favor, and tie my shoelaces. But first, let me get my boot out of your ass, jerk!

This is a plea to return to the golden days of driving, when everyone was much more civil. Please, be less horny out on the road.

In the bedroom, it's just fine.

Thanks for listening.


Sincerely,

The Cab Guy